By Sarah Halbrook
In the new year, we are encouraged to set goals and start fresh. However, there are often moments that may pinch or pull on us from the previous year or many years ago, reflecting past hurts that humble us or cause hours of real emotional pain.
It is easy to counsel “forgive and forget.” In practice, it’s much harder. I often start with the idea that we must be kind and gentle to others and ourselves. This is how we can move into the present and let go of the past – and the hurt associated with it. It is an active choice to move forward by forgiving yourself, others or a situation. Being kind isn’t a free pass for bad behavior. Rather, it is a mindset.
Over the last two years, I was privileged to have a wonderful friendship return to my life. One of my closest friends and I had stopped being friends because of larger circumstances. How could I forgive her when it had been so painful to lose her friendship? Because my life is better with her in it and I was in the position to make the conscious decision to let go of the hurt and move forward. It took time to rebuild our trust and intimacy. I feel lucky now and not pinched by the hurt of losing her. I reflect on this example now when I decide to make an active decision to let something go.
It’s important to remember that you don’t need to be everything all at once to a person or situation that caused you past hurt or pain. Over time, you can rebuild what was lost, and with patience and courage, it can be stronger and more authentic. This is true for friendships, partnerships, work relationships or any situation that is being rebuilt.
A woman I know quit her job in a manner in which many dream: there was yelling, tears and finally a storming out. She still visibly winces when she recalls this moment even though it has been more than five years. For her, it is as visceral and personal as if it were yesterday. She is one of the most successful women I know. You would never guess she had a “falling down” moment when something she put her whole self into turned out to be something different.
We all have our own “falling down” moments in friendships, at work and in other areas of our lives. These moments can be big and loud while others are quiet, but acute. Many of us hold onto these pinches until they build up into bigger hurts or layers that make it harder to let go or cause us to overreact in the moment. We forget that we fail daily in front of our children, co-workers, partners and friends. We forget that they fail daily in front of us, too. We can learn to see these brief moments for what they are: small pinches. We can step back, feel the pain, forgive ourselves and make the active choice to let the hurt go.
When we make letting go and conscious forgiveness a daily practice with our small hurts, we can then use these same skills on life’s larger, more lasting painful moments and memories.
This new year is a chance to be kinder to yourself and others. Take the time to feel your past hurts and see them for what they are: past moments for which you have no control now. Forgive yourself and others – most of us are truly doing the best we can in our current situation. Embrace this daily practice to free up time and emotional space with which you can focus on new goals and hopes.
Sarah Halbrook is a community advocate living and working in Cedar Rapids.
